How to break up with someone without hurting them

If it were easy to break up with someone, I wouldn’t be writing this article. The question is not how to sever a relationship with someone but how to do it in a way that does not involve ness, awkwardness, and disorderly communication. There is no easy achievement.

How to break up with someone without hurting them?

The truth is, breaking up with somebody you love is problematic for various reasons: maybe you miss their family members and friend or the love and support you received from them at a particular time in your life, or sex (which is legal).

Maybe you’re worried about hurting someone you care about, or perhaps you don’t want to look like a jerk to your mutual friends. The bottom line is, even if you know you have to move on, breakups are never fun.

Sadly, is no such thing as a “perfect breakup.” Still, if you carry bad news, you can take several steps to increase the experience as healthy as possible for both before and during that horrific conversation. Here, a therapist and a doctor share advice on severing a relationship kindly and effectively with someone.

Make sure you want to break up.

Before severing the relationship with your partner, make sure you want to end the relationship. “Breakup is something you want to do once in a while,” said Rebecca Hendrix, a psychotherapist in New York City, LMFT.

If you have doubts and concerns about your relationship, it’s essential to share that with your partner before your breakup. “I’ve seen people do’ surprise breakups’ where you think everything is fantastic, and then the person is like, I’m leaving today,” says Hendrix.

Pushing a breakup like this out of the way can be “very, very traumatic and very difficult to overcome,” he said. The healthy (and kind) alternative? Share doubts and worries along the way. In some cases, relationships can even be saved by such honesty, Hendrix says.

Having a well-thought-out breakup also means that separation should not be a rush decision taken in an argument. Or the card you play in an attempt to control your partner (which is passive-aggressive and possibly manipulative, adds Hendrix and is certainly not part of a healthy relationship).

Give the conversation some thought.

Once you have decided to end your relationship, it is essential to give yourself time and space to reflect on what you want to say. As Hendrix explains, the conversation itself will probably be stressful, and when you are stressed, you will lose access to the logical, rational parts of your brain.

Penning fur what you need to say and training in advance helps to anchor the message so that you can efficiently communicate your thoughts in the heat of the moment. The plan can also help you evaluate the tone of the message. Try to keep it “neutral, blameless, sympathetic, direct and honest,” Hendrix says.

That said, don’t try to create the perfect script – it doesn’t exist. It’s normal to want to say all the right things so that your ex-partner doesn’t get upset soon. But it’s inevitable, Hendrix says. “You can’t avoid it – at some point, it’s good enough, and you just have to say it.”

Practice empathy.

As you plan, keep your partner’s shoes to yourself. “The experience of a breakup with a lover and the ability to express it can go a long way in relieving the inevitable pain,” said Franklin A. Porter, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City.

When you first fall in love, it’s much easier to show empathy for your partner, but when you’re ready to end it, it can be tempting not to notice how breaking up will affect your partner. But a little empathy can save you from trouble on the road.

“If you’ve been on the brink of a breakup in the past, you can have a good idea of ​​how you feel, and remembering those feelings in advance will help handle your message,” Porter said.

Please acknowledge that you won’t be able to control their reaction.

No matter what you say and how sympathetically you say it, you cannot control how others react. “Here is no guarantee that the organization will be effective because someone can only control the message sent, not how it is received,” Porter said.

He adds that it can affect how well the message is received, which is something to consider when talking. For example, if you get so caught up in finishing it that you forget that today is their birthday, they will probably be extra annoyed.

Remind yourself that it’s completely OK to break up.

It’s not good to break up with a partner – especially if it’s someone you care deeply about – but it’s not wrong either, so you shouldn’t feel guilty about your decision.

“Remind yourself that it’s OK to start a relationship that isn’t working for you,” Hendrix said. “It’s a good choice that you make because you can’t see the future together. As much as you.”

Do a favor for your psychical health and remind yourself that not every relationship will be right – which doesn’t mean your partner is a bad person or that they necessarily did something wrong.

When you know that the relationship isn’t serving you, it’s up to you and them to talk to each other so that you both move on to something better.

Deliver the news face-to-face.

If you feel safe seeing your soon-to-be-ex in person, “you owe it to your partner to have the breakup conversation face-to-face,” says Porter. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and more complex than breaking up over the phone but doing so “shows that you care both for that relationship,” adds Hendrix.

But remember, when their feelings are important, your safety comes first in the end; if you don’t feel safe enough to meet in person (if because of an epidemic or because your ex threatens you), end it virtually by phone or facetime.

Pick an appropriate setting.

There’s no “right” position for this type of conversation, but Hendrix suggests putting yourself in your partner’s shoes where they might like to hear the news. Just keep in mind that settings are confusing – for example, a restaurant with loud music – probably not a wise choice.

“You want to be present and listen and ask questions and listen to what they have to say,” he says.

Porter advises avoiding public places altogether. “It’s not right for a person on the verge of receiving to try to express potential emotions,” he said. “It’s an intimate conversation that ideally calls for an intimate setting in the partner’s place, giving them the right to show you the opportunity at any time.”

Repeat. This trick only applies if you feel safe. If you are concerned about what your partner might do, prioritize your safety and visit a public place like a busy place where a friend can wait nearby or end a relationship over the phone.

Show up sober.

You may be tempted to pull back a few cocktails before you start a breakup conversation – alcohol is an oral lubricant, above all – but that’s a bad idea. “When we drink, we’re not present,” Hendrix said. And during a breakup conversation, it’s essential to be present so that you can be honest, kind, and remember what you mean, he explains.

Accept that it’s probably going to be painful.

If you and your lover have a deep relationship and have been together for a while, Hendrix says, what you will say will cause them pain, even though you both know on some level even though it’s time to move on. It can help to predict this pain and remind yourself that it is not your fault.

“Remind yourself to give your lover the dignity of being on their way,” Hendrix said. “Your goal is to share information, but not go into extra responsibility for how they feel.”

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Also important: “Hendrix says,” There’s no explanation you’re going to make them feel satisfied, so don’t go into the conversation to end it on a positive note, and from being a romantic partner to a platonic trivia night partner.

Use “I” statements.

When communicating your chat, deliver it from your perspective without blaming or complaining. Hendrix explained, “You decided that the relationship was not appropriate, and you decided to leave the relationship.” “So the best way is to take responsibility for your feelings using the word ‘I’ versus you don’t like my family or you don’t like going out like me.”

Be direct

Don’t beat around the country or hint that you want to break up without actually saying it. A less direct approach may seem kinder at the moment—but trust, it’s not. “The great thing to do is just to say the truth, which is we’re not a good fit for each other,” says Hendrix.

But don’t delve into the details.

Avoid Rolodex listing why the relationship is not suitable for you. “These are people that are going to be hard for another person to give up,” Hendrix said.

If your partner pushes you for a specific reason behind the breakup, you can admit that you understand why they want to know more details and can probably give two reasons, “or,” it frames it from an “I” perspective, Hendrix says.

It would help to reiterate the overall sentiment that you don’t think you’re a good fit in common. “The only reason to go into all of those little details is if you want to work on the relationship,” adds Hendrix.

Keep the focus on the relationship.

Porter said to solve the problem as a relationship problem rather than having a flaw in your partner. “Couples break up for several reasons, but in the end, it’s the relationship that drives its course, and relationships always take two, so confirm your role in it that it’s not working,” he said.

Hendrix puts it this way: “Relationships are the entity you created, and that’s not what works,” he says. “You’re not a bad person, he’s not a bad person, but it’s the combination of the two of you together that makes you less happy and less full.”

Prepare to listen.

While you will lead the conversation, you also need to be prepared to listen – and listen attentively, Porter says. “You may not like what you hear. Your partner may react in any way but probably wants to hear without the last word.” “Consider what your partner needs at that moment and be prepared to deal with them and act accordingly.”

Plan for several reactions.

There is no specific way to predict how your partner will react to the breakup, but you should be prepared for several reactions.

“Understand that territory comes,” says Porter. Both Porter and Hendrix suggest checking their feelings. You can say something similar, “I understand you’re angry; you have a right to be angry.” Hendrix said it could help spread some tension.

At the same time, visit calm and don’t get up to meet their anger with your anger, he says. It can likewise help to ask: Are you OK with talking? Would you like to take a break and talk again in a few minutes? Of course, if anger is abusive (or otherwise threatening), you should say “it’s not right or appropriate” and end the conversation, Hendrix advises. Remember, it is never right to be in a relationship because you are afraid others will react.

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If they get sad, “You’ll express such sympathy before the breakup – while being prepared by a hug or any other gesture of affection and admitting to rejecting it,” Porter said.

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If they promise to change, let them know that when you appreciate this offer, the main reason for the breakup is that the relationship is not appropriate. Even if change, your feelings about it will not be affected, Hendrix said. Also, remember that you don’t want them to change for you, only if they feel they need them, Porter adds.

Don’t leave things open-ended.

At this time, you may feel tempted to minimize the breakup injury by hinting at a chance of a future reunion, but don’t say if it’s not possible; Otherwise, you are giving your partner false hope. “If you say I might say after the bar test, they’ll wait for their phone to ring after the bar test,” Hendrix said. “When you know that this person is not a great life partner for you and there is a 99% chance that you are never going to wake up again, then you just want to tell the truth.”

Share a few positive sentiments.

While your conversation should focus on breakups, it’s also kind to share a reflection of what you like about your lover. “You want to be true about why your life is good because this person was a part of it,” Hendrix said. These thoughts can be well placed when the conversation is over. “At the end of the conference, regardless of response, thank your partner for all the good times,” Porter said. “Express gratitude, and unfortunately, things didn’t work out.”

Check-in with yourself.

After the conversation, make a minor deflation with yourself, Hendrix advises. Ask: How was it for me? How do I feel now?
Tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with breaking up with someone, and when you can feel bad right now, the response is temporary.
Also, acknowledge the fact that you have done something difficult. Even though you decided to break up, “you’re not clear on how you feel,” Hendrix said. Hendrix says when you work through challenging emotions, be polite to yourself and practice taking care of yourself. Do beautiful things for yourself: go to a movie, take a nap, cook a healthy meal.

FAQs for How to break up with someone without hurting them

What is the most painful way to break up with someone?

A new study from Cornell University, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, has found that the most damaging breakup is being thrown at someone else – scientifically as a “comparative rejection.” Apparently, among the many possible reasons to leave a relationship, business is being done for it.

What’s considered a bad breakup?

Anytime the breakup is not mutual, and one party is hurt, then, of course, it’s a bad breakup. And especially if one person disrespects the other (via cheating, abuse, etc.) and has no remorse about it and often leaves the other person high and dry.

What are the symptoms when a relationship is finished?

There’s No Emotional Connection
One of the critical signs your relationship is ending is that you are no longer vulnerable and open with your partner. A cornerstone of happy, healthy ​relationships is that both partners feel genuinely open to sharing thoughts and opinions.

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